"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34"

10:39 PM

I am sitting here with a tear streaked face, mascara everywhere and nose running, still breathing that funny choking breath of those who are still trying to recover from a major sob fest.

The credits are still rolling on my screen, but I am no longer paying attention. I am still processing what I have just witnessed over the past 2 hours. It is the night before Easter Sunday and I have just finished watching "The Passion of The Christ". I had never watched the whole movie before.

I am a Christian. I went to a Christian school from kindergarten until 12th grade. I literally grew up in the church. Basically what I am trying to say is that I know the Bible. I know the story of Jesus, practically by heart. I have heard/read it at least 50 times and that is probably low-balling it. I've studied his story, even gone in depth about what it would be like to be crucified. I've studied all aspects of how Jesus died.

However, that whole saying about a picture being worth a thousand words is 100% true. Watching the Crucifixion take place onscreen before me was a completely different ball-game. It also put into perspective exactly what Jesus went through just so that my soul would be saved. The physical pain must have been immense. I have no idea how he withstood the flogging, never mind carrying his cross up the hill and then finally the Crucifixion.

Just one thought was knocking around in my mind the whole movie.

 "He went through all of this pain and suffering so that mankind could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and I am not worthy. I am not worthy."

I mean, it's true. What exactly have I done that warrants someone giving up their life for me? I am just a lowly sinner along with the rest of mankind. But that's the point isn't it? I am just a lowly sinner along with the rest of mankind. Yet Jesus died so that I may live. He gave up his life so that I wouldn't be condemned to Hell under the burden of sin, a burden that I can't bear. I am a lowly sinner who has found her redemption in Jesus Christ. A lowly sinner who wishes nothing more than to have the world see how wonderful her God is. A lowly sinner who hopes that her thoughts and actions always point to her Savior. (They don't. I fall short sometimes, but it's something I will struggle with until the day I die. It is the cross we as humans bear. We are not perfect, we strive for it, but is is unattainable. Only through God can we be made worthy.)

So as my tears dry, and I wipe the mascara smudges from my eyes, I thank the Lord that he has provided me with such a wonderful life. I thank him that he sent his son to die for me on the cross. I thank him for loving him unconditionally, and I pray that maybe through my actions I may bring others to know him and his works.

I hope that each and every one of you is blessed with knowing God's love. I hope that you are able to see him and feel him in your lives the way that I do. I hope that you will accept him and know him and love him, because....It's the only way to live.

Relax. I have a plan guys.

Generally I am 100% cool with the fact that I am chronically single with short intermittent periods of being in a relationship. I'm not very good at being a girlfriend. I'm headstrong, stubborn, independent and don't like letting people know what's going on in my head. Also, I hardly have time to see family and friends, I don't have the time for a man in my life. With working 4 jobs, going to the gym 3 times a week, going to church and spending quality time with family and friends I generally only have about 4-5 hours a week of down time and I prefer to spend that time curled up  in a chair reading a book...alone. If left to my own devices, I would become a recluse. Sometimes I find being around people is exhausting. I have a low tolerance for idiots, small talk and gossip.

HOWEVER.

The thing I hate most about being a Bachelorette? The fact that every.single. male that comes into my life is suddenly marriage material to every.single. member of my family. I can't even say "oh hey, I think that is the little brother of one of my classmates from high school" without getting *elbow elbow* "he's cute right?" *wink wink* "go talk to him". >.< "guys...he's 17." "so?" ".....I'm 22."

Apparently it's unacceptable for me to be single at the age of 22. Since when did 22 become old cat lady??? It's a strange concept to me, because I was raised to be independent woman. I was taught to reach for the sky and keep pushing on until I reach my goals because "You can do anything you put your mind to". * I do not once recall ever being taught that I needed a man at my side to accomplish any of this.

So why, pray tell, is it all of a sudden essential that I have a man by my side?? It's not. I mean yes I want to get married someday and have children and own a house and all that. But. I don't want that right now! I just graduated from college and I'm about to go back to school to get my Master's. (I'm still overly excited about this and just had to take a short happy dance break.) Also, no offense guys, but I have NO desire to date ANY of the men currently in my life. I have a lot of great guys in my life, but they are all 100% friendship material. Nothing more.

That being said. Dearest family. I will someday meet the person I am supposed to be with. But until then, please get off my back. God has a plan for me, and right now that plan doesn't involve a man. I have very large dreams to accomplish and right now a relationship is on the back burner. So please just trust that I know what I'm doing, even when it looks like I don't, because eventually everything will fall into place. K? ok.

* literally every single day "Devon you can do anything you put your mind too". Every.single.day. 

Unadulterated Joy

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track. Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back." (Thank you Florence and the Machine, your music always perfectly expresses what I'm feeling)

Today was just a normal day. Get up, make breakfast, work out. Go to work, hang out with a close friend after work. Except.

Except that when I came home, there was a rather large envelope with my name on it sitting on the counter. A rather large envelope from Lesley University. A rather large envelope that had the potential to crush all my hopes and dreams for the future. A rather large envelope that informed me that I am now a grad school student.

That smile hasn't left my face since my mother read me the letter. She had to read me the letter because I was hyperventilating/dancing like a maniac around my kitchen and couldn't read out loud. I am exploding with wonder and awe and happiness. Every 5 minutes I oscillate between random bursts of excited dancing and fervent praying in thanks to God. It is so wonderful for my life to finally feel as though it's on track. I know without a doubt that this next step in my life is exactly where I need to be. It just feels right and everything is falling into place.

All I have left to say is that I hope that someday this wonderful feeling of pure unadulterated joy someday unexpectedly hits all of you.