The F-Word

Just to be clear I mean Feminism, not the other one...dirty minds.

I want to start this off by stating that I identify rather strongly as a feminist. I am the first person to speak up about equal rights and the glass ceiling, etc...

HOWEVER. I think that there are some pretty glaring double standards on both the feminism side and the anti-feminism side that need to be addressed. 

First off, feminism is a human construct, thereby making it inherently flawed, I understand that. However, I'm not entirely sure other people do. Feminism by definition refers to "the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women, equal to those of men." (once again thank you dictionary.com) That's it. Nowhere in the definition does it state that we have to burn our bras, or emasculate men, so can everybody calm down?! Feminism doesn't equate man hater, it just means advocate for equal rights, and I'm pretty sure almost everybody would agree that that is a worthy cause. 

We live in a society that values attributes like assertiveness, strength and power. And these qualities are generally attributed to...you guessed it, men. Aaaand we have reached one of my issues. Think about the qualities that you would usually attribute to a woman who is a feminist. You would say that she is strong, assertive and fighting for a place of power, right? Right. That's not a bad thing, but have you noticed that pretty often feminism seems to call for all women to be strong, assertive and powerful? So...the feminist movement which is supposed to be a movement fighting for equality between the sexes is telling me that in order to be treated equally with men I have to act like them? I mean this might just be me, but I'm pretty sure everyone is aware of some pretty glaring anatomical differences between men and women. Men and women should be equal, but we are also vastly different and I think that the last thing we need is everyone running around trying to be assertive, strong and powerful...Oh God. That's terrifying to think about. Now before you finish with that breath you just took to counter my argument and school me on why it's important for women to be strong and assertive just let me finish. Yes, women should be strong and assertive, calm down, I agree with you. I'm just saying that everyone can't be in a place of power. There should be a balance of men and women in those top-dog CEO positions. We should also value things like compassion, kindness and gentleness as a society. A woman who decides to be a stay at home mom and raise her kids should be treated with just as much respect as a woman who chooses to pursue a cutthroat job in business or in the medical field or in politics. A man who chooses to be a stay at home dad should be treated with as much respect as a man who chooses to pursue a cutthroat job as a CEO of a large corporation. A woman who stays at home and raise her kids can be kind, nurturing, compassionate AND strong and assertive. A man who is the CEO of a company can be strong, assertive AND kind and compassionate. When we can accept that, and respect men and women for whatever they choose to do then AND ONLY THEN can we say that we no longer need feminism. 

Rant over, right? Sorry guys, not quite. I'm pretty sure that by now everybody has seen the video of the woman who walked around NYC with a camera to record all the street harassment that she experienced. I'm also pretty sure that by now, we've all heard both sides of the argument about this video. We've heard the people who argue that the men were just trying to be nice and say hello and that it's harmless, and that women are "asking for it" by the way they dress. We've also heard the side that is arguing that women have the right to walk down the street without worrying about their personal safety. As a woman and a feminist, I absolutely agree with the argument that I should be able to walk down the street without getting harassed, or catcalled. It's unnerving to have a man yell "hey sexy" or "smile!" forcefully at you as you are just trying to walk down the street. Even more unnerving is when said man starts to follow you down the street because you aren't responding. That is NEVER ok and needs to stop. But what if I told you that as a woman and a feminist, I can understand the other side of the argument and acknowledge that there is some truth to it? 

To be clear, I am NOT agreeing that catcalling is ok, because it isn't, and everyone has the right to feel safe as they are walking down the street. I'm going to dissect the argument that men put forth about women "asking for it" by their manner of dress. First off, a woman has the right to wear whatever she chooses without judgement. Period. No discussion needed. If I choose to wear sweatpants and a t-shirt everyday, that is my right. Just as it is my right to wear dresses and heels everyday if I choose. If a woman wants to wear provocative clothing out, she has that right. However, provocative clothing generally pulls attention. That being said, wearing attention grabbing clothing doesn't mean that men should be staring and catcalling. As a woman, I am aware of the fact that if I am going to wear tight fitting clothing that reveals parts of my body, I am likely to draw male attention. That being said, a male walking down the street who sees a woman wearing tight fitting clothing needs to learn some self-control. Just because she's wearing attention grabbing clothing does NOT give you the right to harrass her or follow her down the street. A tight fitting shirt is NOT an invitation into my apartment. 

What I'm getting at here, is that feminism needs to be about BOTH parties coming to an agreement. As a female I acknowledge that if I wear attention grabbing clothing, I am likely to have more eyes on me in public. Any man who is walking down the street needs to acknowledge and accept that women are going to wear what they choose but simply because they are males doesn't give them the right to comment on it. All I"m saying is that women are constantly walking past attractive, well-dressed men and generally speaking we have managed to behave in a socially acceptable manner. Is it really too much to ask men to do the same?

DISCLAIMER: I am obviously aware that not all men act in the ways that are presented above, and that is a section of the population that behaves in this manner.

Preschool Perspective on Frozen

Ok, so everybody and their mother is talking about how great Frozen is, and how it's the first Disney movie where the girl doesn't get married to some guy she just met. Yeah, that's all great, but let me tell you why I love Frozen.

My internship is in a preschool, so I spend a lot of time with children between the ages of 3 and 5. As I'm sure you can imagine, we have some great conversations such as, how much we like the ninja turtles, when you spin too fast you get really dizzy and fall over and how to put frosting on a spider cake with a cell phone and a carrot. I know, some real intellectual stuff.

Anyway, Frozen just came out on DVD, so it has been a hot topic at preschool lately. I don't mind talking about the movie, it was cute and had some really great characters and songs, and a wonderful message. The best part of this movie? Preschoolers can pick out the main idea. Preschoolers.

Now, before you start thinking that I am sitting around having philosophical debates with four year olds about the main idea, calm down. It's not like I asked them the main idea of the movie, it just kind of comes up in conversation.

Exhibit A:
Today, I was playing at the sand table with three little girls, ages 4 and 5. We ended up talking about Frozen, and I asked them who their favorite character was, and why. These are the answers I got:

Elsa! Because she's pretty. Anna's pretty too, but not Kristof because he's a boy.

Anna. I just like her.

Olaf, because he's funny.

We kept talking about the movie, and the songs we like and whatnot, and out of nowhere, this conversation happened.
 one of the little girls: "yeah, but Elsa made a mistake. She accidentally hurt Anna."
me: "That happens sometimes. It's ok to make mistakes."
her: "yeah, Elsa ran away cuz she was scared, but Anna was a good sister. She still loved Elsa."
me: "right, and she saved Elsa at the end."
her: "yeah she did an act of true love."
me: "do you think that was a good example of how to be a good friend?"
her: "yeah, Anna and Elsa are good friends."

Guys. This is gold. This right here, is what makes Frozen great.

I have a secret wardrobe of the most beautiful, expressive variety.

"The Word Collector"

I was 18 months old when I found my first words. I was 18 months old when my parents realized that I would be a special child. My first words were not "I love you" or "Momma" or "Daddy" as first words so often are.

No.

My first words came out clear and calculated, with a point of my finger. "Construction over there"I was 18 months old when I learned about powerful words.Those words I had found, why they made people laugh, they made people listen. I collected my first words at 18 months old.

My vocabulary has grown considerably since that three world phrase 22 years ago. I've sorted through words, and stored the ones that call to me. I've hunted them down in old treasures and new trash. I've found them lurking in hidden street corners, and obviously shining, glaring at innocent passersby in the bright sunlight.

Some have tried to slink away unnoticed, and some think that if they hide in plain sight, I will meander by without giving them a second glance.Those words are mistaken. I am a word collector. The hunter of words. I seek them out and hold them close.

I have a secret wardrobe of the most beautiful, expressive variety. Words have coated my skin for years, sinking in, until they mold themselves into my flesh. I try them on and wear them out. I dance with them in the sunlight, and I live inside them, shining and shimmering in their brilliance. I hold them close, and use them to amplify my voice.

Words surround me. They cloth me, and protect me. They cushion the blows and they speak the language of my mind. A language that is sometimes hard to decode, but they find the nuance and help me untangle the thoughts piece by piece. 

I see them when they are hiding, woven silently into the tapestry of clouds and golden sunlight, hidden but not invisible. 

I have a secret wardrobe, a wardrobe that cannot be bought. A wardrobe that cannot be seen. A wardrobe that comes straight from the stores of my mind. 

I have a secret wardrobe, because I am the word collector.


...speaking of collecting words. Here are some lovely ones:

The Feminist Lie

Everywhere I turn lately, I see posts about women and feminism and the messages we are sending our children about gender and gender roles. Don't get me wrong, this is a great thing, and I am all for it. We should be talking about these topics. The amount of photoshopped images out there is disgusting and should piss us off. The subliminal messages that are being sent out through movies and television about women are offensive and need to change. The sexualization of women in advertising is out of control.

But what about men? 

I recently watched a TED talk called "The Sexy Lie" by Caroline Heldmen (as seen below). It's a really great video, and you should definitely watch it. 

Except, my reaction after viewing it was "yeah but we totally do the same thing to guys". Men are sexualized all the time in advertising, just look at some of the images I found below. Remember those questions to ask to see if someone is being represented as a sex object?

Does the image suggest that sexual availability is the defining characteristic of the person?

Does the image show a sexualized person as interchangeable?

 Does the image show only parts of a sexualized person's body?

I don't really think I have to spell it out for you, but just to be clear...women aren't the only ones being sexualized in the media. You might have noticed the title of this blog post. Just humor me. Feminism, by definition is "the doctrine advocating social, political, and other rights of women equal to those of men"(thank you dictionary.com). It isn't the belief system where we fight only for women's rights and forget everyone else. Yes, men hold privilege in our society, but that doesn't mean we should say nothing when they fall victim to sexualization in the media, just like women. The video above talks about the negative effects that female sexualization has on girls and women: shame, body monitoring, etc.  Female sexualization also teaches men to view women as sex objects. Ok great, what about the effects of male sexualization? Wouldn't that teach women to view men as sex objects? Wouldn't that negatively affect men, and make them worry about if they "measure up" or are "sexy" enough? 

I'm just saying that if we are going to have that conversation about women as sex objects, we also have to have that conversation about men. If we are going to advocate for equal rights, we can't just advocate for women, we have to advocate for all minorities, and for all people. Men aren't a minority group. That doesn't mean that they aren't negatively depicted or affected by the images they see everyday in the media.

If we are going to tell men that they need to monitor their sexually charged language when referring to women, shouldn't we be saying the same thing to women about men? If we want to change the fact that sex sells, maybe we need to change the way that ALL people of ALL different gender and sexual orientation are depicted. 

I've always been of the viewpoint that there is more to a person than their physical appearance. The traits I look for in a partner are passion, intelligence, a kind heart and a sense of humor. A person may be physically attractive, but if I can't have a conversation with you, if you can't make me laugh, if you don't treat people with the respect they deserve, and if you don't have a sense of purpose to your life, well you could be Tom Hiddleston's look alike for all I care, but I'm not interested. 

Feminism isn't just about female rights, or at least I don't think it should be. It should be about advocating for equal rights and treatment for all people regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, etc. Isn't it about time we treated people, like people?

That Holiday Spirit

I have been struggling to decide what to post about for awhile now. If I blogged every time a new idea popped into my head, I would have posted 5 entries just today, and that's not counting the ideas I had yesterday, or the day before that... You don't want to read that many blogs, and I definitely don't have time to write them all.

There is one issue that's really gotten to me, and I know that if I don't speak my mind it will keep bothering me until I say my piece.

Christmas is just around the corner, and we seem to have forgotten why we celebrate it. It's right there in the name: Christ. For unto us, a child is born. Jesus was brought into this world to save us from sin. He took our burden of sin, and washed it clean so that we may live forever in Him. That is why we get together and celebrate. That is why we give gifts, to honor a generous God, who gave us the most precious gift of all, His life. We sing carols to praise him, and we light the candles of the advent wreath to glorify him.

"Well, I'm not religious" you say. Do you celebrate Christmas? Do you tell your kids about Santa Claus? Do you give gifts? You may not be doing all of this from a religious place, but you are borrowing elements from a Christian, religious Holiday. Do you know where Santa Claus came from?
St. Nicholas was a real man. He lived sometime during the 3rd century in what is now Turkey. He was born into a wealthy family, but his parents died when he was still very young. He used his inheritance to assist the needy, the sick and the suffering. He devoted his life to God. In a popular folk tale about him, he delivered lumps of gold to a poor family with three daughters that were about to be sold as slaves. The gold mysteriously appeared in stockings that were hung by the fire to dry.

Except, how do we celebrate Christmas now? We cause riots in stores over really low priced TVs and gaming systems and other electronics we have no need for. People get trampled and injured as we rush into stores to buy more items we probably don't need. We get up at the crack of dawn and force others to sacrifice their Thanksgiving so we can increase our material possessions and find the perfect gift for others as if our life depends on it. We spend hundreds upon hundreds of dollars in pursuit of the best gift, because it's not the thought but how expensive or high-tech the gift is now that determines its worth. We play Christmas music nonstop for months before Christmas, but are we actually listening to the message the songs are giving us?

I say no. If we were really listening, we would remember that Jesus came into this world to conquer sin with LOVE. He defeated Satin with LOVE. He gave us eternal life with LOVE. He loved us so much that he gave his life for us. That's an awfully big sacrifice that was made on my behalf, and your behalf. That kind of sacrifice shouldn't be taken lightly.

So here's a thought. This year, make Christmas about God. Make it about spending time with family. Make it about creating memories with those you love. Make it about helping those who are less fortunate than us. Make it about showing those you care about how much you love them.

It's not how expensive, or high-tech the gift is that shows it's true worth, it's the thought behind it. Don't forget that the best gift of all that you can give someone is your time, your energy and your love.

Exhausted Rantings of a Stressed Out and Possibly Insane Grad Student

First. My cat is making it almost impossible for me to write this post. Just saying.

Seriously?

Second. I am exhausted. I've been busy with work, and my internship, and schoolwork. It's a lot and I have gotten a little delirious in the process. My bad.

Anyway. For grad school, I have to log about 15 hours a week at an internship. My internship is about twenty minutes from my house, but since I have to drive smack through the middle of worcester at 7:30am three days a week, I ALWAYS get stuck in traffic. ALWAYS. If you know me well, then you know that I get bored easily and I have trouble sitting still for long periods of time. Obviously, this is a problem when I am stuck in the car for long periods of time in bumper to bumper traffic.

To ensure that I stay amused during my morning commute, I have invented a game. (You are probably thinking "Oh, No". Your musings are justified.) I have invented the game "Traffic Racing". I pick a car in one of the lanes on either side of me, I for some reason always get stuck in the middle lane, and I try to race them to where the traffic lessons. I keep track of them, and try to stay ahead of them. I smack talk the other car, and I taunt it. I get maniacal pleasure when I end up in front of them. I judge them if they "sell out" and move over to the fast lane if they weren't always there, usually with something along the lines of "Oh! I see you couldn't take the heat, that's right get out of the kitchen. I will still beat you!" If I eventually pull ahead and beat the car, after many trials of moving ahead and then falling behind, it is usually accompanied by "Slow and Steady wins the race, SUCKER!" *insert evil laugh here* I have two rules, obviously I have to continue driving safely, and I can't let the other driver in on the secret that I'm trying to race them. "Oh, so you don't want the competition" you might be thinking. No, I just don't want the other people on the highway to realize they have an insane girl sitting in the car next to them. Of course, sometimes my competitive side takes over, and I get a little animated, but I try not to cause a big scene. I drive past enough accidents on my way in as it is, I don't want to cause another one.

So there you have it. I am a grad student. I am exhausted. I have decided that pretend racing in traffic is the best use of my time on my way to my internship, and I might be insane.

If you see some crazed blonde in a black car on the highway pretending she is racing you. It's totally not me....heh

Lines

You know when I started this blog, I was all "I'm gonna write every month" "this is gonna be great". I'm so naive sometimes.

Well, here I am after 5 months of silence. I could give a whole bunch of excuses, but we both know that I just plain forgot. My life got in the way, might as well fess up. I started grad school, and an internship and am working three jobs. (honestly can you blame me for forgetting??)

It's been awhile. I guess this is the part where we catch up, and I offer up a lovely little anecdote about how grad school is amazing and wonderful and tiring and scary all in one. I could talk about how I have found my true calling and I'm so happy. I could say that my internship is fantastic because I get to work with preschoolers...

Except, I don't really feel like it, because today I'm not feeling it. Today I am sick and pissed off. I'm sitting in my living room with a pounding headache, a sore throat, seriously blocked up sinuses and a pile of homework. Not.in.the.mood. Good thing I'm alone, because, well I would probably punch the first happy person I saw today in the teeth. Just saying. (I know, harsh.) Here's the thing, I am generally a very happy person. I have patience, and am empathetic and I listen. I hold my tongue and just listen. (I'm going to be a fantastic counselor someday). Except when I'm not. Then I'm a freaking lioness and I will mow you down like you just took my cub, and I don't care who you are.

Lines people. There are lines. Why is this so hard for people to understand? There are lines, and you don't cross them. They are there for a reason. The lines exist to keep us from doing stupid shit. You all know what I'm talking about. The line that's there between you and your boss. You don't cross that line and get all personal. It's a business relationship. You stay on your side of the line. You don't discuss aspects of your personal life, you don't ask them about theirs. You don't confide secrets, or discuss personal concerns. YOU JUST DON'T! When you do that, you place the other person in an awkward, uncomfortable state as they are walking around with knowledge that they weren't meant to possess. It's not okay people. Lines. You don't discuss personal information with everyone you meet. You don't let everyone in on what's happening. It makes things weird and confrontational when we run into someone you are having an issue with when all of your dirty laundry is out in the open with everybody. Lines. You don't send flirty texts to your employee. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE FREAKING MARRIED! LINES! You don't try and take care of someone when they didn't ask, need or want you to. Especially if you have a business relationship with them. Lines.

You think I'm naive. "Life is messy, people can't be expected to stay within the lines. There are exceptions." NO. Bull. I call a big, huge, stinking pile of bullshit. There are lines and you don't cross them. One of my textbooks has a section all about moral and ethical codes and whatnot. I think it is so completely ridiculous that there needs to be a whole section reminding counselors to never enter into a sexual relationship with a client. How is that even a thought that crosses your mind as a counselor?! Your job is to facilitate the emotional healing and well being of your client. That means that you don't have sex with them, ever, under any circumstances. "well what if you met the love of your life?" you say. Then give them a referral. It's easy. You don't cross the line. I don't cross the line. I put lines between myself and other people, why can't they respect that?!

You say "well if you always have lines and boundaries how can you say you have close friends? How are you going to fall in love?" Yes, I have lines. If I've known you for long enough, and we are just friends, or potentially something more, the lines might get smudged. But only if I trust you enough. Too many people have crossed my lines and pushed my boundaries, before I was ready, or before I had even established the line. So, until you can prove that you are worthy of erasing the line, it stays.

Maybe I'm cold. Maybe I'm naive. I have lines. I have boundaries. Don't cross them, and don't push them. They are there to protect me. You won't like what happens if you try.