Exhausted Rantings of a Stressed Out and Possibly Insane Grad Student

First. My cat is making it almost impossible for me to write this post. Just saying.

Seriously?

Second. I am exhausted. I've been busy with work, and my internship, and schoolwork. It's a lot and I have gotten a little delirious in the process. My bad.

Anyway. For grad school, I have to log about 15 hours a week at an internship. My internship is about twenty minutes from my house, but since I have to drive smack through the middle of worcester at 7:30am three days a week, I ALWAYS get stuck in traffic. ALWAYS. If you know me well, then you know that I get bored easily and I have trouble sitting still for long periods of time. Obviously, this is a problem when I am stuck in the car for long periods of time in bumper to bumper traffic.

To ensure that I stay amused during my morning commute, I have invented a game. (You are probably thinking "Oh, No". Your musings are justified.) I have invented the game "Traffic Racing". I pick a car in one of the lanes on either side of me, I for some reason always get stuck in the middle lane, and I try to race them to where the traffic lessons. I keep track of them, and try to stay ahead of them. I smack talk the other car, and I taunt it. I get maniacal pleasure when I end up in front of them. I judge them if they "sell out" and move over to the fast lane if they weren't always there, usually with something along the lines of "Oh! I see you couldn't take the heat, that's right get out of the kitchen. I will still beat you!" If I eventually pull ahead and beat the car, after many trials of moving ahead and then falling behind, it is usually accompanied by "Slow and Steady wins the race, SUCKER!" *insert evil laugh here* I have two rules, obviously I have to continue driving safely, and I can't let the other driver in on the secret that I'm trying to race them. "Oh, so you don't want the competition" you might be thinking. No, I just don't want the other people on the highway to realize they have an insane girl sitting in the car next to them. Of course, sometimes my competitive side takes over, and I get a little animated, but I try not to cause a big scene. I drive past enough accidents on my way in as it is, I don't want to cause another one.

So there you have it. I am a grad student. I am exhausted. I have decided that pretend racing in traffic is the best use of my time on my way to my internship, and I might be insane.

If you see some crazed blonde in a black car on the highway pretending she is racing you. It's totally not me....heh

Lines

You know when I started this blog, I was all "I'm gonna write every month" "this is gonna be great". I'm so naive sometimes.

Well, here I am after 5 months of silence. I could give a whole bunch of excuses, but we both know that I just plain forgot. My life got in the way, might as well fess up. I started grad school, and an internship and am working three jobs. (honestly can you blame me for forgetting??)

It's been awhile. I guess this is the part where we catch up, and I offer up a lovely little anecdote about how grad school is amazing and wonderful and tiring and scary all in one. I could talk about how I have found my true calling and I'm so happy. I could say that my internship is fantastic because I get to work with preschoolers...

Except, I don't really feel like it, because today I'm not feeling it. Today I am sick and pissed off. I'm sitting in my living room with a pounding headache, a sore throat, seriously blocked up sinuses and a pile of homework. Not.in.the.mood. Good thing I'm alone, because, well I would probably punch the first happy person I saw today in the teeth. Just saying. (I know, harsh.) Here's the thing, I am generally a very happy person. I have patience, and am empathetic and I listen. I hold my tongue and just listen. (I'm going to be a fantastic counselor someday). Except when I'm not. Then I'm a freaking lioness and I will mow you down like you just took my cub, and I don't care who you are.

Lines people. There are lines. Why is this so hard for people to understand? There are lines, and you don't cross them. They are there for a reason. The lines exist to keep us from doing stupid shit. You all know what I'm talking about. The line that's there between you and your boss. You don't cross that line and get all personal. It's a business relationship. You stay on your side of the line. You don't discuss aspects of your personal life, you don't ask them about theirs. You don't confide secrets, or discuss personal concerns. YOU JUST DON'T! When you do that, you place the other person in an awkward, uncomfortable state as they are walking around with knowledge that they weren't meant to possess. It's not okay people. Lines. You don't discuss personal information with everyone you meet. You don't let everyone in on what's happening. It makes things weird and confrontational when we run into someone you are having an issue with when all of your dirty laundry is out in the open with everybody. Lines. You don't send flirty texts to your employee. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE FREAKING MARRIED! LINES! You don't try and take care of someone when they didn't ask, need or want you to. Especially if you have a business relationship with them. Lines.

You think I'm naive. "Life is messy, people can't be expected to stay within the lines. There are exceptions." NO. Bull. I call a big, huge, stinking pile of bullshit. There are lines and you don't cross them. One of my textbooks has a section all about moral and ethical codes and whatnot. I think it is so completely ridiculous that there needs to be a whole section reminding counselors to never enter into a sexual relationship with a client. How is that even a thought that crosses your mind as a counselor?! Your job is to facilitate the emotional healing and well being of your client. That means that you don't have sex with them, ever, under any circumstances. "well what if you met the love of your life?" you say. Then give them a referral. It's easy. You don't cross the line. I don't cross the line. I put lines between myself and other people, why can't they respect that?!

You say "well if you always have lines and boundaries how can you say you have close friends? How are you going to fall in love?" Yes, I have lines. If I've known you for long enough, and we are just friends, or potentially something more, the lines might get smudged. But only if I trust you enough. Too many people have crossed my lines and pushed my boundaries, before I was ready, or before I had even established the line. So, until you can prove that you are worthy of erasing the line, it stays.

Maybe I'm cold. Maybe I'm naive. I have lines. I have boundaries. Don't cross them, and don't push them. They are there to protect me. You won't like what happens if you try.

Meanwhile in Chernobyl...

*insert annoying ringtone here*
Isn't that always the worst, when you wake to your annoying ringtone that you really hate and want to change, but keep because you hate it so much you actually get out of bed when it goes off so you don't have to hear it anymore?

Today is Friday, a gross, rainy, sluggish Friday. A not so great Friday. My day started with aforementioned annoying ringtone and just went downhill from there. Next, I got some wonderful news from my mechanic. Basically, they can't find the part they need to fix my car. If they can't find it, and they are still trying *fingers crossed*, I need a new car. SIIIIIIGH awesome. I can't really afford a new car right now so I'm really hoping they find the part.

Then, I went on autopilot and tried to drive to Job 1, even though I was on my way to Job 3, which of course made me 5 minutes late. Yay. Job 3= babysitting at the gym I go to so Mommies can workout for an hour and a half. I had my regular,s two adorable children, Baby Girl age 2, and Cutie Pie (little boy age 4). Except today Cutie Pie decided he was gonna play with these giant wooden blocks we have in the babysitting room, which was fine until he accidentally rammed it into Baby Girl's head with enough force to completely knock her off her little feet. This of course was a recipe for disaster. Instant screaming and tears. I rushed to Baby Girl and swooped her up to try and stop her crying. I thought it was just a little bump. Oh no. Giant blue bruise instantly. It was swollen a good 1/2 inch off her forehead with a foreboding line right in the middle. So, of course I had to have her grandmother stop her workout to come get her, because poor Baby Girl has to go to the doctor's to make sure she is ok. Obviously I'm feeling super awesome about myself right now. The only good thing about this was that after they left, I went down into the Cardio Room and had the best 45 minute workout of my life to work out all my frustration.

Let's see, oh yes, then we had blatant taking advantage of by my employers at Job 1, followed by frustrated temper tantrums by a 6 year old and getting yelled at repeatedly by an 11 year old on a power trip.

Well played Universe. Well played.


Don't worry it got better once I got out of work. I went out to this really awesome Tapas restaurant with Best Friend and her family. If you don't know what Tapas is, it's fantastic. It's basically a meal made up of a whole bunch of little appetizers. We had stuffed eggplant, roasted duck, guava paste and bread, honey toasted goat cheese, chicken, butternut squash risotto, fried calamari, lamb chops, duck, duck and more duck. I learned that I am a huge fan of duck, it is fantastically delicious. We also had a pitcher of sangria, which I have found I am also a huge fan of. Then we had flan and churros for dessert. Basically I probably won't eat for days I'm so full. But it wasn't just the food that made the night so special, it was the company. We could have been eating McDonalds (which would never happen because I don't eat fast food) and it would have been just as great. We shared stories, poked fun at each other, made jokes, laughed, we laughed a lot and we even talked politics. I also saw the funniest picture I think I have ever seen in my life. (see below, if you don't get it, google Chernobyl) Overall, it was just what the doctor ordered for my bad day.

So, as I lay here still in a food coma even though I've been home for a good 30 minutes (and it took me 25 to get home). I raise my eyes up to Heaven and thank God for such a wonderful evening. I thank Him for putting such wonderful friends and second family in my life. I thank Him for all that he had done for me. Even though my day had a horrible start, I know that God only throws what He thinks we can handle at us, nothing more. I may complain about how my day started, but I handled it, and God even threw me a bone at the end of the day. Thanks Lord, because you know I really really needed it.

I am still dying of laughter. This picture just cracks me up every time I see it.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34"

10:39 PM

I am sitting here with a tear streaked face, mascara everywhere and nose running, still breathing that funny choking breath of those who are still trying to recover from a major sob fest.

The credits are still rolling on my screen, but I am no longer paying attention. I am still processing what I have just witnessed over the past 2 hours. It is the night before Easter Sunday and I have just finished watching "The Passion of The Christ". I had never watched the whole movie before.

I am a Christian. I went to a Christian school from kindergarten until 12th grade. I literally grew up in the church. Basically what I am trying to say is that I know the Bible. I know the story of Jesus, practically by heart. I have heard/read it at least 50 times and that is probably low-balling it. I've studied his story, even gone in depth about what it would be like to be crucified. I've studied all aspects of how Jesus died.

However, that whole saying about a picture being worth a thousand words is 100% true. Watching the Crucifixion take place onscreen before me was a completely different ball-game. It also put into perspective exactly what Jesus went through just so that my soul would be saved. The physical pain must have been immense. I have no idea how he withstood the flogging, never mind carrying his cross up the hill and then finally the Crucifixion.

Just one thought was knocking around in my mind the whole movie.

 "He went through all of this pain and suffering so that mankind could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and I am not worthy. I am not worthy."

I mean, it's true. What exactly have I done that warrants someone giving up their life for me? I am just a lowly sinner along with the rest of mankind. But that's the point isn't it? I am just a lowly sinner along with the rest of mankind. Yet Jesus died so that I may live. He gave up his life so that I wouldn't be condemned to Hell under the burden of sin, a burden that I can't bear. I am a lowly sinner who has found her redemption in Jesus Christ. A lowly sinner who wishes nothing more than to have the world see how wonderful her God is. A lowly sinner who hopes that her thoughts and actions always point to her Savior. (They don't. I fall short sometimes, but it's something I will struggle with until the day I die. It is the cross we as humans bear. We are not perfect, we strive for it, but is is unattainable. Only through God can we be made worthy.)

So as my tears dry, and I wipe the mascara smudges from my eyes, I thank the Lord that he has provided me with such a wonderful life. I thank him that he sent his son to die for me on the cross. I thank him for loving him unconditionally, and I pray that maybe through my actions I may bring others to know him and his works.

I hope that each and every one of you is blessed with knowing God's love. I hope that you are able to see him and feel him in your lives the way that I do. I hope that you will accept him and know him and love him, because....It's the only way to live.

Relax. I have a plan guys.

Generally I am 100% cool with the fact that I am chronically single with short intermittent periods of being in a relationship. I'm not very good at being a girlfriend. I'm headstrong, stubborn, independent and don't like letting people know what's going on in my head. Also, I hardly have time to see family and friends, I don't have the time for a man in my life. With working 4 jobs, going to the gym 3 times a week, going to church and spending quality time with family and friends I generally only have about 4-5 hours a week of down time and I prefer to spend that time curled up  in a chair reading a book...alone. If left to my own devices, I would become a recluse. Sometimes I find being around people is exhausting. I have a low tolerance for idiots, small talk and gossip.

HOWEVER.

The thing I hate most about being a Bachelorette? The fact that every.single. male that comes into my life is suddenly marriage material to every.single. member of my family. I can't even say "oh hey, I think that is the little brother of one of my classmates from high school" without getting *elbow elbow* "he's cute right?" *wink wink* "go talk to him". >.< "guys...he's 17." "so?" ".....I'm 22."

Apparently it's unacceptable for me to be single at the age of 22. Since when did 22 become old cat lady??? It's a strange concept to me, because I was raised to be independent woman. I was taught to reach for the sky and keep pushing on until I reach my goals because "You can do anything you put your mind to". * I do not once recall ever being taught that I needed a man at my side to accomplish any of this.

So why, pray tell, is it all of a sudden essential that I have a man by my side?? It's not. I mean yes I want to get married someday and have children and own a house and all that. But. I don't want that right now! I just graduated from college and I'm about to go back to school to get my Master's. (I'm still overly excited about this and just had to take a short happy dance break.) Also, no offense guys, but I have NO desire to date ANY of the men currently in my life. I have a lot of great guys in my life, but they are all 100% friendship material. Nothing more.

That being said. Dearest family. I will someday meet the person I am supposed to be with. But until then, please get off my back. God has a plan for me, and right now that plan doesn't involve a man. I have very large dreams to accomplish and right now a relationship is on the back burner. So please just trust that I know what I'm doing, even when it looks like I don't, because eventually everything will fall into place. K? ok.

* literally every single day "Devon you can do anything you put your mind too". Every.single.day. 

Unadulterated Joy

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track. Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back." (Thank you Florence and the Machine, your music always perfectly expresses what I'm feeling)

Today was just a normal day. Get up, make breakfast, work out. Go to work, hang out with a close friend after work. Except.

Except that when I came home, there was a rather large envelope with my name on it sitting on the counter. A rather large envelope from Lesley University. A rather large envelope that had the potential to crush all my hopes and dreams for the future. A rather large envelope that informed me that I am now a grad school student.

That smile hasn't left my face since my mother read me the letter. She had to read me the letter because I was hyperventilating/dancing like a maniac around my kitchen and couldn't read out loud. I am exploding with wonder and awe and happiness. Every 5 minutes I oscillate between random bursts of excited dancing and fervent praying in thanks to God. It is so wonderful for my life to finally feel as though it's on track. I know without a doubt that this next step in my life is exactly where I need to be. It just feels right and everything is falling into place.

All I have left to say is that I hope that someday this wonderful feeling of pure unadulterated joy someday unexpectedly hits all of you.

Stop. Listen. Do.

Age is but a number. Ever hear that one? Ever notice it's usually in defense of a young person who has the hots for someone far older than themselves? That's not why I'm using it...I was just thinking about how that's often the context in which we hear it in. Not tonight.

Age is but a number. I'm 22 years old. I still have most of my life ahead of me and oh so many memories still yet to make. But today I don't feel 22. Today I feel like I am at least 100, possibly 110. I just feel old, and tired.

I've told my friends and I'll say it here. I've always believed that I am an old soul in a young body. I don't really play well with people my age. I prefer to read, crochet, attempt knitting, cook, paint and spend time outdoors. I DON'T like rap, excessive drinking, drama, pop music (most days..some days I'm into it), those funny stupid movies like Anchorman, overtly dirty jokes...pants. I really really hate pants. I walk around most days a grumpy, easily offended little old lady. At least on the inside, that's me. I'm pretty good at throwing on a smile and making everyone believe that I enjoy being out in public. (Not to say that I don't have a handful of friends whose company I thoroughly enjoy.) Let's be honest. I cause problems out in public. I get hit on by...well everyone and I never know how to handle it so I just play along stupidly thinking it will make them go away. I do this every time. There is something wrong with me and it makes roommate worry.

On the other hand. I'm also happy a lot. I love little kids, anything sparkly, sappy romance-y stuff (unless it happens in real life, then I gag), etc. I am 110% a contradiction. I make no sense.

Oh wow. I got side tracked. Whoop. Sorry.

Right. I feel old today. I'm just...done. I dunno. Maybe I feel old and tired because I don't belong in this time period. My moral code, my music taste, my hobbies, they are all more suited to a young woman in the 1930-40s than 2013. I'm just not a current girl. I think that spending time with family, or watching a sunset with your own eyes is more important than a status update, or an instagram picture or a tweet. I don't think that today's music is good. I think it sucks. Who cares that some guy is running around buying your grandpa's clothes from the thrift shop? Ok Wait. Pause. Why is that even a song? Seriously. Who cares? I don't get it. Can't we focus on more important things than the next Bachelor or Bachelorette? Can't we use our amazing ability to reach hundreds of thousands of people on the internet via social networking websites to say something a little more intriguing/thought provoking/smart than what we had for lunch, or what silly little thing just happened to us? Don't get me wrong, I get caught up in this trap to sometimes. But I guess what I'm saying is..I think it's high time we started focusing our energy on something a little more substantial. Something a little more gutsy, something a little more "we are the future". Something we can be proud of.

That being said. It's Lent. The period in the Catholic calendar right before Easter. During this time, according to the Bible, Jesus went out into the desert for 40 days and nights, and fasted and prayed before he was publicly executed. During Lent, we are supposed to give something up in our own little fast. Unfortunately, most people just give up something random for the 40 days and don't really think anything of it. That's not the point of Lent. Lent is about making a sacrifice. It's about making a sacrifice and then praying about it. It's not supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be hard. It's supposed to be challenging. It's supposed to make us think about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us so that we could live. For Lent this year. I'm giving up the mindlessness. I'm giving up getting involved in the next flash in the pan. I'm giving up all that junk that clutters my mind. I'm going to make an effort to read the Bible more. I'm going to make an effort to be more social, to be more informed, to make myself useful. To not just being another human being who just puttered on through life. I want to stand out.

What about you??